Always be joyful. - 1 Thessalonians 5 : 16
I share this post so that those of you feeling the same way will know you are not alone.
I seem to be having trouble with this verse. I am trying, I really am. But to be honest, I have been angry. I am angry when I go to bed and angry during the course of the day. Things have been difficult to say the least, but the Lord has not let go of us. So I just keep praying that the Lord will help me to always be joyful.
It would seem that where I thought we (my family) would be is just not where God wants us to be right now. It is funny how God works. A little back story - I work A LOT - on the computer. And I have been trying to build in other things in my life, because otherwise, there is taking care of the kids and working, working, working. So I started sewing and exercising more and trying to get more time outside. And, a big one, I started trying to go to bed at a somewhat normal time with my hubby again... giving us time to giggle and chat and fall asleep next to each other. I wanted to feel human again. And you know what... I didn't earn enough to pay the bills this past month and then August was looking worse.
So I got mad. I was mad that I could not have a life like the neighbors, taking vacations and eating out, buying new things for their kids. I know, I am awful. I was mad at my husband, mad that he wanted to try and start a business, mad that it wasn't making any money, mad that he wasn't doing more about it. I was just mad all the time.
So I prayed and found the hubby a part time, flexible, job that he could do while also keeping up with his bees and I have started staying up late again, missing my workouts and not getting time to sew to make up for the not paid bills, to get groceries and all the other things that are necessary.... but I was still mad. I was mad that I could not have that other life that I wanted, until tonight.
When I was young, I prayed that I would not be rich. I thought that having too much money would cause too many problems and I just wanted to have enough. And as I have aged, I continued to pray that God would use us in whatever way he saw fit. Well, he has. I think one of the reasons that my husband has had so many odd jobs is that he is a little rough around the edges and can talk to other rough people about God in a way others can't. He was telling me today that some of the guys at his side job were interested in the bee stuff and he knows they were going to ask him about it. And instantly, I knew.... God has made it necessary for my hubby to go to yet another odd job to talk to these guys about God and the bees are part of his way in. I said this to him as I was thinking of it. And he began to tell me how he was thinking the same thing too and tell me about a few things that happened to him recently that let him know he was on the right path.
How can I sit here and have my hissy fit, when this is what I prayed for? This is what God wants us to do. Oh what a funny plan God has for us. He continues to teach me to be a better person and to trust Him and put my faith in Him. And I continue to let Him down. I am trying, I really am. But for today, I am going to do my best to not be angry anymore. I am going to keep praying for stronger faith and joy. I am not going to lose hope. I will keep doing God's will.